Autumns Bloggingg

At this point most people would have moved on from this point but I can’t. I miss my mom more now then ever. I had so much to left unsaid and it’s killing me. I want to just write it all down on here but I feel like I’ll get judge for it. Why? Cuz I can’t move on from missing my mom. I wanted her to be proud of me again. I wanted to do something for her that she always wanted me to do. But I can’t. I love my family but this is so hard. I didn’t even try and lose weight. I gave up after a few months. And I feel like a failure. I just want to show her an everyone else I’m not. I’ve said too much already I just want eveyone to know I’m sorry. :( :( :(

July 23rd is official worse day. I realized i was my grandmas birthday and the day my mom passed away. I think my grandma got bored on heaven and took my mom from us. She wasn’t ready. I remember crying for my mom when I was sick. She was there for me whenever I needed her. I feel guilty I wasn’t there for her more. I now see how life is precious and how short it can be. I wantto better my life now because thats what she wanted. I know she would be mad if she saw us crying but in time I’ll be okay. I never thought I had to say goodbye to her. She was so cold. I just wanted her to say “just kidding!” but she didn’t. I love you mom so much and I know your in a better place just please take care o the kids. Rest in peace mom.

My mom is the best I can’t ask for a better one. When my mom first wanted this surgery done I didnt know what to say. But she did it. After she got sick I got really depressed and starting to feel better by eating. So I don’t try and think about my mom being sick because that’s all I’ll do. I love my mom I do and if I dont talk about her being sick it just makes me more upset and more depressed. I know my mom is strong and I know she will be okay. It will probably be longer this time for her to be better but she will get through this. I love you mom and I wish i can find a cure I save you.

Last time I wrote on her I was upset with my mom. Well things changed. I go over my moms every so often. I’m trying to stick with my sister and this house. I still have nothing on my own and won’t till I move out. I’m very alone and I really want to move to Colorado. I know I’ll fit in there. It wil take me some time to move but I’m determined. I have really nothing to say today but I will update this more often. Hugs and kisses.

2010 was supposed to be a good one for me. And for a good part of it was. I have a great job at safeway which i don’t wanna lose. i thought my family would be together again but, my mom. She changed. A lot. i remember her being there for me. Recently shit went down and i’m not happy. i rather just be happy for real then hide it. she kicked me and my dad out for really nothing. she tells everyone we don’t want her in our life when we do. we tried to tell her she can move in with us. we tried to help her. i don’t have money cuz i don’t have any hours at work. if i was making the same checks i made when i first started i would be able to help her out but i cant. i’m struggling. i’m alone. i’m sad. i’m going through a lot and her being negative sucks. she knows i love her everyone does. but i cant do nothing if she keep thinking the wrong stuff. i hope she reads this and i hope she realizes. Mistie, Dad, Nick, Mystick, Izzy and i all LOVE her. we do. we just wish she can realize that.

So Last year i posted a 25 most random fact about me well its 2010 and new shit happened.

1. I was homeless for 6 months, and it changed my life.

2. I am totally in love with music. all kinds of it.

3. I love my two nieces. they will ALWAYS be my best friends.

4. I rather walk then do lipo.

5.I STILL love him even though i shouldnt.

6.I just want a cuddle buddy. That’s all.

7. I sometimes wish i can drink ALL THE TIME,but i really don’t have the time.

8. My fav subject in school is reading. i love to take myself into a wild adventure.

9. I can see myself on Real World and meeting the jersey shore cast…if i was 190 pounds.

10.Sometimes… i play dress up with my nieces and i feel pretty.

11. Heaven Leigh Campbell is a sex star and i friggin love her.

12. There is a few guys i think is really cute at work. But they take shit the wrong way.

13.I smile all the time..even when im bummed.

14. I love corvettes.

15. I spell my friends name the way i spell it.

16. I will live on my own when its time. I feel roommates are too much.

17. I wish i had just that one friend.

18. Im scared for my baby sister. Still.

19. Red Roses are my favoirte flowers.

20. pink is my fav color..not red and black.

21. I don’t get the concept of “hit it and quit it” why would you look slutty?

22. I love my dad even though our relationship is rocky.

23. One day my mom will pass away..thats when im running away to neverland.

24. I really hate where my life is. I should be drinking.

25. Im scared of being me so i try and be someone else..like my sisters.

So i know SOME things didn’t change. My life hasnt been exciting enough to change. Anyways. I felt i needed to update and kinda share.

I do have something else to say. My parents got a divorce and i guess its okay. They seem like it was time. I mean they fought a lot over everything and whats right and whats wrong. I know im going to be a lot like my mom but i know for sure ill be a lot like my dad.

I miss my friends in Colorado. I really wish i can go out and party one day. I know everyone i work with drinks but never seem to invite me. I try and put myself out there and make it to where i do wanna have fun but i never do.

Weight seems to be an issue here in Arizona. If your not a certain shape you will never fit in. Lame.

Anyways. Have a good day. I’ll try and update this more often.

AND THANKS TO THOSE WHO DO READ THIS. IF I GET MORE READERS ILL START POSTING MY VLOGS. I HAVE THEM SAVED TO MY COMPUTER JUST TO SCARED TO POST THEM.

“He’s not your boyfriend if you haven’t kissed him yet.”

Um really? When did that become a new thing? I think your mistaken. Where im from sex with boys when not dating them means your a slut. It means your easy and you look dirty. And us clean wholesome girls look at you as if your nasty. But now its the boys who are turning into man whores. I mean 15+ girls in one year. I can’t lose 15 lbs. in one year. Are you kidding me? Im very surprised they aren’t working colfax and 13th in Denver. That’s where all the horny girls are. Look, boys, we are not sluts, we don’t want sex all the time. I mean.. If i had a boyfriend whose head was thinking more of sex then me. Why would i waste my time sitting there in his room. I want a guy who is willing to take their time and buy flowers on their way home from work. Come over just to be with me. My whole life my dad has been telling me ” all boy’s want is to get in your pants.” Maybe he’s right. Or maybe im not looking in the right places. Or maybe i should just give in. I don’t know. Whatever i choose i will be smart at it. And single doesn’t mean i’m looking..for you or sex. I’m still trying to work my last realationship out. I like only 2 guys. but one of them i liked and loved for 4 years. so please. go find a hooker if your looking for sex. I think ill watch the notebook. Scratch that.. i rather watch the notebook then get naked with you.

PLEASE lay off!!! just because people make ONE mistake in ONE sentence does NOT make them stupid. So as i was browsing a friends page earlier i notice she misspelled “Liers”. Okay we know its “Liars” but don’t correct her. If you know what one person is pretty much saying… then why are YOU making HER feel like she can’t spell. I’m sorry.. but you’re not perfect yourself. :)

A day without you is like a day without sunshine… I miss you…Josh i’ve been thinking a lot lately and i know we only hung out like.. so many times but… you were a friend of mine and i wish i was there for you more. I know i can’t say much but i miss you and i really hate that your gone. I hope your looking down upon us and watching over us. We miss you and we love you.

So if you never seen this movie. i suggest you don’t. Unless you like to see sex scene’s. I mean LESBIAN SEX SCENE’S. Don’t get me wrong this movie has a weird trip to it which made it.. okay. i mean every wife wants to know if their husband is cheating because they “flirt” with young girls. Well this wife Catherine played by (Julianne moore) who looks stunning at her age, pretty much hires Chloe (Amanda seyfried) to see if her husband is cheating. Well in the end when Catherine finds out he “sleeps with Chloe” but when the wife sets up a meeting her husband doesn’t even know this girl that is when  she ends up telling her husband (Liam Neeson) the truth “that she hired Chloe to see if he is cheating.” but in all he just flirts with girls. he never slept with any of the girls. In his words all he does “is admire their beauty” okay dude.

Anyways, the two girls have sex and after that the wife does what any typical wife/husband says “don’t follow my husband anymore” which pisses Chloe off. Chloe sets off for revenge and sleeps with her son! Catherine walks in on them and tries to tell Chole to leave well there was blood a window breaking and Chloe pretty much kills herself. Its a weird ass movie.

But doesn’t she look wonderful?